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Thank You

I just wanted to thank all of you who sent me Birthday Love yesterday. It means a lot and is very much appreciated. <3

Moving On

Please keep an eye out for a new friend request from me when I make my new username.

Love and Hugs to all.

Its been a wild ride.

PeaceOut Kasonsmom!

ADHD

I got my test results today. My IQ is in the normal to above normal range. However I came back in the HIGH level for ADHD and ADD. SO that explains a lot. Why my anxiety is so high. Why anti-depressants don't work. Why I can't finish books I'm starting. Why I jump all over the place in my chores. Why I'm all over the place in my thoughts. Why I'm shaky and impatient. Why I feel frustrated and am extremely sensitive to time. The Doc and I talked about some strategies to try to help. Mt therapist will also be helping me. She said lots of women with children that have ADHD feel VERY overwhelmed which is the word I use every freaking day when I say how I feel. Often times that leaves us distracted or not able to finish or start projects so we fall behind and get more anxious. She also said when we're anxious our thoughts bounce making the anxiety feel more intense. We also talked about meds. I see my new MEDS doctor tomorrow and Im not sure if she'll have the report or not but I hope so. I'd LOVE to get off of this anti-depressant that makes me cry all the time and is causing such weight gain. And I'd like to get on something that actually HELPS!

So yeah....this makes a lot of sense. We'll see what happens now.

Long week

It's been a long week. I keep wanting to come on and update but I'm just not that motivated these days. Things with rob have been quiet thankfully. Ryan and i had another set of 2 fights. On one hand it makes me nervous because clearly we are not as perfect as I thought. It makes me wonder if moving in with him is the right choice.  BUT on the other hand I feel like we work through the issues and communicate so well. Aside from his anger it's never been the same fight so we both are learning. Also, there is so so so much good with him....it's really hard to walk away from all that amazing and potential for small things.  Side note: I got the best apology card and 2 dozen roses the other day. Proving that he knows how to say sorry...which I wasn't sure was in his vocabulary. Lol

I went on a job interview but it was just okay. Had a phone interview which lead to another real interview on Monday. It's part time but still a good job in banking.  I also went on several daycare visits and found one I love. And I found a worker I love for Kason so now it's just finding a way to afford it.  Kids were high energy this week but very bare able.

We have nothing planned this weekend and I'm okay with that..I'm tired and money is tight. Ryan paid off my student loan and one of his loans so we don't have much actual cash. Maybe we will watch a movie and hit the gym. I've been making it to the gym a lot and enjoying it. I also have a kids bday party tomorrow with the boys.

The only other real thing to mention is we are going away for 3 days over Valentines Day. We were looking at cabins in Vt/NH and the poconos. It was crazy, crazy pricey. So we Then decided to fly somewhere with miles and it became a toss up between my choice of Austin (Niagara Falls and San Francisco need at least a week in my opinion) or Ryans choices of Atlanta or Nashville both of which he considers "home". 

The big issue is the cost right now. Austin is so much pricer and farther than ryans pics. We will officially book tomorrow. He promised me I get to go to Austin or San Francisco for my Bday in May if we don't go to Austin now so either way I win. :) Plus a just us weekend away is nice.  I am sad I won't be seeing Bekah or Becca but I may see Sarah and that's cool! I will keep u in the loop. 

Thanks!

I just wanted to share that I'm caught up. I went back, read and commented on whatever I felt was still relevant. I'm here---even if not as often as I used to be.

I also wanted to thank those of you who stood by me. Who read my posts and comment and show love despite however you feel about my situation. I don't write JUST to get comments and form relationships. I write to 'get it out' and "let it go and document life. But your thoughts, opinions, time and encouragement and support mean so much to me.

Thanks!

Arghhh!

WTF world.

To make a VERY long story short---I slept at Ryans last night b/c we had a fight on Sat night and we were trying to work things out. Also, I was to start my new position at a dr.'s office 5 min away from Ryans but 30 min away from home.

I didnt get much sleep b/c I had a bad feeling about the boys I couldn't shake. At 6am I gave up and texted Rob. He said that both boys were sick but Declan had a horrible cough and he was worried--almost going to the hospital at around 4am. I was supposed to work but I flew out of Ryans and met Rob at the Pedi. Declan was blue-ish and the dr's hurried around him. They were all freaked out and they ended up doing 2 quick treatments while waiting for an ambulance. Declan has a bad case of Croup and he's got a Strider cough. I rode in the ambulance and Rob took Kason to his moms.

Rob and I sat in the ER disagreeing for a few hours over what to do next. They are admitting Declan. We're both skipping work tomorrow but only one of us can stay at the hospital. Typically rob does which is an odd choice I know but I tend to freak out at the slightest cough and rob stays more calm. I like to worry from afar instead of being an emotional wreck in the moment. The dr's think its gonna be a really rough night for Declan. Rob's mom has offered to keep Kason overnight in case something happens and I'd need to rush to the ER/hospital overnight and not have a place for Kason.

I feel AWFUL about everything right now. Im sad I wasn't there when Dex was sick and needed me. Despite not knowing because when I left at 5pm things were fine. I'm sad I'm not strong enough to stay by Declan and that I'm letting Rob do it. I would if I had to of course but I take the easy way out. And now I feel guilty for not seeing Kason last night and then again all day today. Plus letting him sleep there when I am home is such a dick move. I should keep him here with me. But at the same time IF something does happen I know I couldn't get a place for him in the middle of the night and I'd really hate myself for not being there for declan.

I'm heading home to pack a bag for Rob/Declan. Then I run to the lawyer. Then I run Kason's meds to him at inlaws. Then I run to the hospital to spend time with Declan. Then when he sleeps I head out to sleep home alone. In the am I go get Kason and we play until Declan is freed from the hospital at which point I get to go see him. Either way---I lose time w/a child bc Kason is too vulnerable to be at the hospital visiting his bro. its VERY contagious.

I owe u guys a post-Xmas wrap up and some updates on the divorce as well as Ryan and the little fights we're having. Nothing big but frustrating. Plus, I have to many entries to read. I'll be in when I can but its a very busy week!

2 days

I have not seen ry since early Monday am. And I miss him. If all goes well I will see him sometime xmas day. That's about 2.5 days away hours wise.  Totally doable but I wish it was sooner.  It's pathetic. But when he calls or texts I can't help but feel so crazy happy.  We have only done 3 days apart since we met. I'm so glad all my holiday fun starts tonight and these hours will pass. This is the first xmas Kason really gets it. The first xmas declan Is old enough to open gifts. And it is the first xmas in 7 years  (well except when dex was JUST born) that my heart feels complete. Let the party begin! MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL.

Im alive

Hi all. I think i caught up on everyones week. U may have to go back some to read my comments.

Thank u for all of ur comments on my last post.  It means a ton.  We found out on Wed that Kason has 4 rare chromosonal errors. Unless ur a pro at bio or genetics none of it would intetest you.  He has a syndrome which explains why he has adhd, autism and ocd tendencies. Nothing can be done to fix it. They know aggression is high in people with this and adults tend to have schizoprenia.  There are less than 300 people in the world with documentd cases of it! He is the only one in the world with his 4 mutations. Guess hes far from normal and more unique than we thought. They want him and us to be a science experiment and while i love research and its importance i just cant right now.

Declan is at high risk 50% for the same thing. But hes got a higher chance of having some otjet syndrome/malformation.  

I love my kids difficilties and all. I have accepted that my life as a parent will be drastically different from my peers and that it will be far more difficult than i could ever imagine.  Acceptance does not mean happiness though.

My temper is high and my patience is running low. I love my family but i need a break from it all. I want nothing to do with my marraige or Rob. I want to have bonds with my kids, keep a clean houss, put up a good front like all is well when im working or with family....but escape to another world when i can. Live a double life? Right now i feel its the only wsy i can survive the day to day stuff without losing my shit and ruining the lives of everyone around me in the process.  I need to feel free and to feel alive again.

I made a little list of things i want to do, learn or improve about myself and i plan on figuring a way to make the time to do it.  

Right now tho....ive been making some poor decisions. Im finding it thrilling and fun and im sort of refinding myself in the process. Since i dont want to elabortate on this....i find it difficult to post on here in general. You would judge me. I judge myself.

Im safe. My kids are safe. Im not feeling like i cant handle life or anything like that.  I will get through all of it.  I always do.

Greetings from Disney....OMG so much to post and I will.....eventually. I tried reading/commenting but I've had zero time to myself. Then I came on last night and had so much to scroll through I felt overwhelmed. So if anyone wants to leave me cliff notes on ur weeks highs/lows post in the comments section please do. I will feel less guilty if u do. This is my first time not back reading in the 5 years I had LJ. But I just can't do it.

We get in late tomorrow and I will have lots of unpacking, laundry and then I'm gonna have to search for the boys fall/winter clothes cuz I hear it's cold back home. It was 89 when I left. Still 89 in disney and now low 70s max at home. Will have a fast change of season indeed. Apple picking and crisp are the only things to look forward to now that my amazing trip is over.  That and walking. Omg I ate myself silly here in disney. I know I'm gonna be depressed when I try on anything aside from flip flops.

I got a cold down here and it's yucky but bareable. Kason was awful sick today poor kid. I did manage to go swimming twice and I watched Big Brother & the finale of AGT. But my BFF my DVR will be waiting for me.

K time to head to the parks for the last time. This trip was a LOT of work and a LOT of fun. My heart is breaking knowing we won't come back till the kids are older and all the characters bore them. Ha! We did so many characters. Total blast!

Money Matters....

I am so sick of being broke and stressed and even more broke. When I talk to people they all say....Well do you have a budget?!  We have tried the budget thing in the past and honestly it didnt work out for us b/c we just didnt make enough money to pay the bills. But Rob got a nice raise. And I'm working now. We have a deployment coming up which will bring in some MUCH needed financial relief. (It will suck so bad when hes gone. So bad---but its a sacrifice we need now so we can help ourselves out of this mess!).  We need to start making smart decisions.  A girl from my support group sat me down one day and flat out told me that we are lying to ourselves. That we need to start with the basics instead of a budget. We need an education on finances and finanical decisions. Both of our sets of parents are broke. They didnt set a good example. They made poor choices. They have gambeling addictions. Yet when it comes to making decisions---we ask them for advice or use their choices to guide us w/out thinking twice about it. Well not anymore. Now I'm thinking about it!!!

 Rob and I are not good w/numbers in general. I am good w/coupons and finding deals. Not in an extreme way but I get some enjoyment out of a good deal. I used to be much more of a saver or more thrify but as we got into debt I felt hopeless and honestly I gave up for the most part. We are not educated in finances or our decisions. We are always in the "whats going to save us NOW" mindframe instead of thinking future. So I picked up the book she pushed on me & started reading. OMG. I feel like a moron. So does Rob. We are making such HORRIBLE decisions. We have the wrong life insurance policies, we're wasting tons of money on car payments.....ect. Its depressing b/c we feel Dumb but honestly we just never knew any better.  So we're going to borrow a few more books....ect and get educated. This way we make better choices and when that big deployment check comes at the end of next year---we use it to help ourselves in the FUTURE. If we can bail ourselves out of our current mess before then---we wont need to use it to pay debt. And that right now is our big 1 year goal. Work on ridding oursevles from debt.

Now we're not going to stop living completely like this book suggests. We need our quality family time & we want to enjoy life. So it wont happen as quickly as it could. But its going to happen.

Now I sort of feel a little more inner peace. We're getting educated. I'm working on eating healthier and moving more. Im trying to get more financially healthy....ect. At the end of 2016 I want the only stress I have to be the stress of having a special needs child. B/c if thats my ONLY stress I feel I'll be able to manage it better.

As for the weight loss it looked good yesterday but I am thinking maybe my scale lied!? We'll see what it says next Sunday before I go and get TOO excited. Ha!

I am going to miss summer TV.   Unreal ends tonight :(    Mistresses is almost over.  I think Suits is too.  But my train wreck Bachelor in Paradise is back & Big Brother is still going strong. So we'll see. :)

Also, universe----PLEASE give us some relief from the heat. I wanted pratice for Disney but I'm over it now. I will suffer enough that week. I dont need to suffer now too.

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